Part II: The How-to-be-Happy Part (see also Part I: The Happy Part)
As a counselor, people tell me all the time how much they dislike every holiday due to the stress - the American Psychological Association says that 70% of us are stressed during the holidays - YIKES! Plus, there’s also messy family dynamics and financial woes to contend with. I certainly understand how those things could impede the ability to have a good time, especially from Halloween through the new year, when there is one holiday after another.
I’d love for everyone to be able to enjoy this time of the year more so here’s some ideas that might work for you:
Decide to make things easy on yourself this year. Stop allowing social media and family/friends make you feel like you have to ‘do-it-all’ and have a picture perfect holiday! There’s no such thing as picture perfect anyway! What if you just decided to order precooked food? What would happen if everyone made handmade gifts? What would happen? You’d enjoy yourself, laugh a little more, and return to work/normal life rested. Hint: several years ago we started a tradition of ordering Chinese takeout on Christmas night because everyone was tired and we thought it would be funny to follow the example of our favorite Christmas movie, A Christmas Story.
If you and your family don’t always get along too well consider limiting your time together. You are not required to stay somewhere that makes you unhappy. Hint: You’re an adult with a set of car keys, or an Uber/Lyft app so take a drive, get away for a cup of coffee, or go for a walk.
Don’t take yourself or your family so seriously. If you only see your family during holidays - say, once or twice each year - why fret over every little thing or even the big things? Maybe it’s not worth the effort to stir up problems or get involved with someone else’s drama. This is not always easy because we carry with us past hurts. However, you have to remember that you cannot ever change other people but you can change your attitude and behavior towards others. You can decide to enjoy yourself, as Martin Seligman, PhD from the University of Pennsylvania says, “One of the most significant findings in psychology in the last 20 years is that individuals can choose the way they think.” Hint: Don’t forget that you’re going back to your own home in a few days.
Is money a problem for you during the holidays? Then don’t spend more than you can afford. That sounds easier than it is to implement but it can be done. Ask your family to draw names for gifts or make handmade gifts. Be honest and tell your family you need a financial cap on gifts. You can also give the gift of yourself by volunteering to babysit, clean a family members house or car, dog sit, or run errands for someone. As a very busy person myself I’d be delighted if someone gave me the gift of a day of yard work, or housework! That’s a fabulous gift to me that doesn’t cost a penny! Hint: just because everyone else is spending a zillion dollars on gifts that does not mean you have to do the same thing. Eliminate your own stress by not spending more than you can easily afford!
Do you have family members who still want to remind you of that time when you were in middle school and you screwed up? Or that one time you got a speeding ticket? Or how much more money everyone else in the family makes and what’s wrong with you? You have a couple of choices here: you can hurl obscenities at everyone telling them how you really feel, which you already know will do no good at all, OR you can ignore them, which you also know will do no good at all, OR you can try and have a rational conversation with your family. I vote for the rational conversation - of course, I do! I’m a counselor! Your family may not listen to you (they may hurl obscenities at you or ignore you) but you will feel better for having told them how you feel. You will also set up boundaries with your family for how they can and cannot treat you. Hint: prepare a mental script for how to answer those yucky questions you do not like to answer each year. For example, “When are you having a baby?” “How much do you make now?” “Are you still gay?” (I am not making these questions up, they are real!) Create a script so you are ready for the odd, inappropriate, and just plain mean questions before they happen so you are not caught off guard. Here’s another potential answer, “Thanks for asking but I’d rather not talk about it.” If you are continuously pushed try to answer know that, as an adult, you are not obliged to answer anything you don’t want to answer. Don’t forget that Uber app right there on your phone or set of car keys in your old bedroom.
I wish everyone holidays as happy as mine!
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